


The Best-Written Plans... (but this ain’t one of them…)

by josephina_x



Series: Dimension 46’\-A [16]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: (even if he’s trying not to in lieu of being “helpful” instead), (he’s BILL CIPHER), (sort of?), (what he doesn’t know how to do is -not- shitpost), (yes OF COURSE Bill knows how to shitpost), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Gen, One Year Later, Post-Series, Post-Weirdmageddon, See You Next Summer, WhatWouldTeslaDo, wwtd crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 17:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16351346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x
Summary: -A Bill has a Plan to keep those idiots in that other dimension with that other Bill alive long enough for everything to cool off, because that other Bill isANGRY, and -A Bill is pretty well convinced that that other Bill has zero impulse control right now and is going to do somethingincrediblyBREATHTAKINGLY stupid.So Bill has come up with a Plan. (It’s what he does.) He has evenwritten downthis plan! (The things he does for humans sometimes…) There are specific instructions for each of these idiots to explain what they are all supposed to do and not-do (...except for that other Glasses, who can just…!!) and Bill is even going to send them this Plan. It should work. They just need to follow it like good little puppets. And those idiots aren’t really THAT stupid, to ignore someone trying to help them stay alive and keep their planet and their dimension intact.…Are they?





	1. What Would Tesla Do?

**Author's Note:**

> Fic: The Best-Written Plans... (but this ain’t one of them…)  
> Fandom: Gravity Falls  
> Pairing: n/a  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Spoilers: through the end of the series, and some of the books (Journal #3); also, up through Oct 15, 2018 of WWTD  
> Summary: -A Bill has a Plan to keep those idiots in that other dimension with that other Bill alive long enough for everything to cool off, because that other Bill is _ANGRY_ , and -A Bill is pretty well convinced that that other Bill has zero impulse control right now and is going to do something _incredibly_ BREATHTAKINGLY stupid. 
> 
> So Bill has come up with a Plan. (It’s what he does.) He has even _written down_ this plan! (The things he does for humans sometimes…) There are specific instructions for each of these idiots to explain what they are all supposed to do and not-do (...except for that other Glasses, who can just…!!) and Bill is even going to send them this Plan. It should work. They just need to follow it like good little puppets. And those idiots aren’t really THAT stupid, to ignore someone trying to help them stay alive and keep their planet and their dimension intact. 
> 
> …Are they?  
> Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit.  
> AN: Yet more crossover madness! (I don’t know why [Noia](https://fordanoia.tumblr.com) (the mun) keeps enabling me in this madness, but I’m not about to question it!!
> 
> If you don’t read WWTD (also known as: [What Would Tesla Do](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com)) yet, then you really really should!
> 
> Written in real-time once we get to the “online” bits below. (No, I can’t write huge posts that quickly, goodness!) Hopefully not too much of a bore! ^_^;;
> 
> Note that this fanfic is not _nearly_ as long as it may look at a first glance! I have reproduced the exact submission posts that were sent to the tumblr in Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5. These are all available in Chapter 1, just in slightly more fragmentary form. Chapter 1 is the all-encompassing main fic. (I only did this reproduction in the later chapters so if anybody wants to read them the way they would have looked to the characters, they can do that without having to copy-and-paste and do the lowercase-editing themselves to reproduce it. Similar if you read the blog and wanted to skip straight to the submissions-only rather than have to wade through the nonsense that is my fic. Hope that's okay! ^_^;;; )
> 
>  
> 
> _NOTE: For a summary of the general timeline for the -A series, and an explanation of the events that occur between the fics (which are in some instances significant time lapses of several days), please see:[Chapter 3 of the Timeline for -A [...]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15485919/chapters/41815928) for context._

\---

Bill was annoyed.

There was some sort of time distortion going on with the hyperdimensional whatsit, he knew, but it was so tangled that trying to figure out how to deal with the chronal hiccups and disconnects directly wasn’t something he wanted to risk meddling with. Trying to slide up the communication lines from the less-tangled end would risk his jumping too far forward along the sequence; he could destabilize the whole thing entirely, leaving nothing to go back to. And trying to predict the shifts and gaps without his Eye was almost an exercise in futility; he didn’t know when the next line shift would stabilize enough that the connected communication lines would allow for direct chronally-synched communication again -- worse, Bill _knew_ it was a waste of time to try to figure it out without his Eye at the moment, as much as it irked him to admit it.

In other words, he couldn’t just SKIP AHEAD to getting involved with those three idiots again right away, he didn’t know WHEN the next time he could write to them was, and it would take him longer to try and figure all that out than it would likely take for it to stabilize on its own.

It left Bill at loose ends, with next to no information to work off of and no way to get the information he wanted in the meantime. And _that_ was bad enough, but combined with the frustration of NOT KNOWING enough about that other Bill to make a determination of how he wanted to approach dealing with HIM? Was just...

Intolerable. It left Bill twitchy and in a foul mood all week.

Bill didn’t _LIKE_ not having enough information to plan things out PROPERLY.

...but that didn’t mean that he COULDN’T, so he still did it anyway.

 _Planning_ had been what had gotten Bill out of the ‘Nightmare Realm’ for good, and oh, had he had to do A LOT OF IT! --And, as far as Bill was concerned, his plans were the _best_ , and THAT was what made him THE WORST!

It had taken him awhile to figure out what he wanted to do to get what he wanted, and how he wanted to do it. And _THAT_ … hadn’t been easy.

Bill wanted that dimension to not collapse in the near-term, and that planet to stay intact for at least as long.

That was it. That Stanford was acting off-the-weird, and that other Bill was off-the-reservation as far as Bill was concerned. Neither was calm enough to act smart right now. Things just needed to be maintained a bit, that was all.

Bill didn’t want to have to “worry” (HA!) about that Bill coming for his dimension -- or any others -- once he was out. (...If he got himself out?) He didn’t want to ruin that other Bill’s chances of getting out for no good reason. But he didn’t want to read about that other Bill crashing that other dimension or destroying that other planet, either, just because that other Bill was being STUPID about things and NOT CALMING THE CHAOS DOWN. Bill wasn’t planning on picking sides for the battle here, or the end of the war! But if it was between that other Bill blowing his own chances of getting out and not… Bill would give those idiot humans enough to corral themselves together and stop that from happening, whether they realized what it was they were _ACTUALLY_ doing, or not.

Bill didn’t particularly want to “ _help_ ” those three idiots. He had no reason to. He wouldn’t get anything out of it! So anything he did that might help them would just be incidental to keeping the dimension intact, because he needed WORKING PAWNS there that he could communicate instructions to that would make themselves _useful_ to him by actually CARRYING THEM OUT.

(As far as Bill was concerned, as long as they were useful to him, and _stayed_ useful to him (or entertaining, HAHA!), he would try and _keep_ them in a state that was useful to him.)

He didn’t particularly want to NOT help that Bill. It sounded like the idiot NOT-him needed a breather, or a time-out or something! _But._ Bill didn’t know one way or the other what that other Bill was like. He didn’t want to cross another himself if he didn’t have to. And, in thinking things through that week… he realized and affirmed that he didn’t know ANYTHING about that other _him_.

\--For a start, those two other Bills, ‘him’s that _were_ also him, as similar to him as they’d been, had also been different. The girl ‘him’ was barely half his age, and Sebastian had been split apart when reincarnated and clear-in-looking-back-on-it had MAJOR ISSUES with his memory. Neither had really been as old as he was, when it came down to how they thought and acted and what they could each remember. Their self-control hadn’t been the greatest, either.

The girl ‘him’ had had skills -- and she’d had a GREAT DEAL OF working control over them even when PHYSICALLY DRUNK and TIRED -- but she had gotten them from the Axolotl direct, and the stupid lizard had LEFT OUT A LOT. (--SO MUCH that she’d practically been STUNTED in her understanding of even something so BASIC as a WORKING KNOWLEDGE of how SLEEP and her own personal ‘DREAMSCAPE’ worked, in fact!!) But that level of control still HADN’T been up to what Bill would have called his usual standards. And Seb? HA! --It wasn’t funny AT ALL how LITTLE control he’d displayed while he’d been there. _Bill_ had had to PUT OUT his fires FOR him. Bill doubted that Seb even REALIZED or remembered WHAT HE’D DONE.

If _those_ two other ‘him’s were anything like what the rest of those other-’him’s were like, in terms of different similarities and the similarity of their differences, then… maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise that this other Bill was acting far too young, without a decent plan, and with far too little control over his own reactions to stick to a plan of action THAT WOULD WORK. Because as things stood in that dimension, rather than almost certainly getting him out of his ‘Nightmare Realm’ for good, it looked like what that other unknown Bill was doing was going to end up doing the exact OPPOSITE of that.

...Of course, Bill realized that he could he wrong about that. Because Bill wasn’t hearing or Seeing this other Bill direct. He was having to try and understand this other ‘him’ through the filter of that other Stanford’s perception -- and THAT was a LOSING proposition, AT BEST.

(Stanfords didn’t DO the ‘BIG PICTURE’, and that was really what Bill was missing right now, when it came to that dimension and that other unknown Bill.)

So after thinking about all of that, he’d had to float back a few bricks from the idea that this other ‘him’ wasn’t like him at all. --Because _Bill didn’t know_. Not _really_.

Maybe this ‘other-idiot NOT-him Bill’ wasn’t necessarily an idiot and wasn’t necessarily NOT ‘him’... or maybe that other Bill really _was_ an idiot and really _wasn’t_ HIM at all! Bill didn’t have enough KNOWLEDGE to figure that out, right then. --Again, _Bill. Didn’t. Know!_

Bill didn’t know how old this other ‘him’ was, how long his personal timeline stretched out across the ages. Bill didn’t know what this other Bill’s own personal prophecy was -- if what that Stanford had written was true, it was literally almost a COMPLETE UNKNOWN to him. Bill didn’t even know what titles that other Bill had bestowed upon himself, or what he _really_ WANTED out of all of this, what his _priorities_ ACTUALLY were!

Bill _**didn’t** know_ more than he _did_ know, when it came to that other Bill, and _that_ made things _very difficult_.

Especially when it came to planning what to do next.

Keep the status quo until things calm down. Keep the dimension together, and the planet together, using that Stanford, that Stanley, and that “F.M.” as his “borrowed” puppets whose strings he could pull in order to pull that one off.

So Bill had had to go back to the basics on this one.

And, after having written what he’d wanted to write, and ‘fixed’ all the names and then toned it down a bit further on the insults and rants -- and right before he was about to try and REwrite it _AGAIN_ to make it sound as much as possible like those asks that the trio of idiots had seemed to respond to most positively in terms of actually doing USEFUL THINGS -- Bill had come up with this:

\---  
 _Title: !!! DO NOT POST !!!_

_Stanley: THIS IS A WAR. Or a fight. A really long fight. LOTS OF FIGHTS._

_You are the FIGHTER. If you want to keep everyone you care about ALIVE, then that is what you need to do! Your job is to deal with all of the PHYSICAL threats. You need to keep Stanford and F.M. alive, and you need to carve out enough time and space for them to work within, to be able to be useful, to come up with a final solution to the threat._  
\---

A “final solution” to that other Bill wasn’t something Bill wanted, but it was the sort of thing that those other ‘helpful’ askers were trying to help those idiots with.

Saying ‘a threat’ made it actually the truth -- at least as Bill meant it. He didn’t want the dimension collapsing or the planet exploding in the near-term, but he didn’t really know everything that those idiots wanted. So he’d left it vague. That way, those idiots would draw their own conclusions, thinking he’d meant whatever they wanted most. (...all while leaving Bill some potential leeway with that other Bill if any of this ever came up later with that other Bill.)

Those idiots wouldn’t listen to him if they thought that he wanted different things than they did, Bill knew that much from “Sixer”s rants from over the years. (Even if Bill wanted _some_ of the same things, it didn’t matter. …If they didn’t think so -- _AND THEY WOULDN’T_ \--)

So he’d written it that way, and hadn’t bothered to elaborate. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to get a Stanford to go along with what he wanted, at least for a little while.

...until they inevitably TURNED ON HIM for no good reason that made any LOGICAL SENSE to him AT ALL.

\---

_You get them a safe space to sleep, make sure they have food and water and actually sleep. Do NOT let them get away with not sleeping! F.M. builds death machines on the regular for fun and you KNOW what Stanford is like when he gets sleep-deprived, DON’T YOU. Do not trust them if they say that they don’t need to sleep, that they need just a little more time -- none of it, NO. Make them eat, and MAKE THEM SLEEP!_

_And YOU’D BETTER take care of YOURSELF, too, Stanley, because if you DON’T do that, then you CAN’T take care of THEM, and THEY WILL DIE._

_Make them TALK to you about what they’re doing. If they STOP talking, they’re planning on doing something stupid that will probably kill themselves, and you. And probably a lot of other people, too, if you care about that sort of thing. (But let’s face it, you don’t, but those first two should be enough for you, RIGHT?)_

_Don’t let them do anything that they CAN’T EXPLAIN to you. If they SAY they can’t explain it, you don’t have to WONDER about it -- you KNOW it’s a bad idea!_

_If they talk to you, but THEY’RE LYING, you’ll know it. LOOK FOR IT._

_So when they STOP talking to you OR CAN’T EXPLAIN something OR LIE to you, you knock them out, tie them up, and threaten them with something they won’t like until they wise up and fess up and GET IT RIGHT. Need some examples? Threaten to summon Bill Cipher and make a deal with him! Threaten to call F.M.’s wife up and make his kid cry! That’ll teach ‘em!_

_You and I both know that “SAFE” spaces don’t always STAY safe. If things get unsafe, make them move and make them leave. If they complain about leaving things behind, or say that they HAVE to take something with them because it’s “irreplaceable”, DON’T LISTEN TO THEM._

_If it was THAT IMPORTANT, they would have told you about it EARLIER than THAT. And then you could have figured something out, to TAKE IT WITH or dig in and DEFEND it instead, BREAK IT if it’s too dangerous to leave behind intact or HIDE it and track it to STEAL it back later, instead. “Irreplaceable” for those two idiots just means “I didn’t think of something else in two minutes of thinking, so instead of thinking about it for another three, I’ll just be lazy and say that nothing else will work!” DON’T FALL FOR IT. THEY’LL GET YOU ALL KILLED._

_I don’t think I need to tell you to remember to keep your lies straight, but DON’T count on THOSE two idiots to be able to keep them straight. THEY WON’T. Either of them._

_If you need something that will KILL people, ask F.M. what it would take to build it and STAND BACK. If you need ANYTHING ELSE, needle Stanford about it until he makes it. Division of labor. Get them to do what they’re BEST at._

_If all else fails, LEAVE TOWN. Don’t let either of those two idiots stay behind, don’t decide to ‘split up and regroup later’, and DON’T LOOK BACK. Doing any of those things is just ASKING for trouble._  
\---

Bill let out a breath. Everything he’d written was double-edged, really.

Eating and sleeping regularly would have the idiots less likely to do something stupid like try and blow the planet up themselves, first, or taking a gun of any type to their own heads. (Bill needed working puppets on the other end of that communication line, not corpses, or he’d never get anything done.) It would also get them in the bad habit of sleeping regularly, which meant that all any other puppet would need to do to get them caught out in the Dreamscape with that other Bill would be to remove the unicorn hair necklace from them in their sleep.

Taking care of himself would keep Stanley functional, and the idea that the asker ‘supposedly’ trying to ‘help’ them might care about his well-being would make him more likely to listen to what else he said. (That was how it worked with most humans, as far as Bill could tell.)

Telling Stanley what to look out for, in terms of shady behavior that he might not otherwise recognize was a must. Bill wouldn’t put it past the idiots to come up with something stupid while less-than-sleep deprived. (His own Stanford “Sixer” Pines’ travels on the other side of the portal were a textbook example of this, quite literally.)

The shadier things the pair of them might come up with might work, or they might not and just be liable to kill them instead -- or destroy that planet or the entire dimension. Either way, stopping or slowing whatever-they-might-be would only help that other Bill. He couldn’t _get out_ , if the dimension wasn’t there to ‘get out’ _into_ , right?

Potentially leaving things behind would slow down progress by the idiots in stopping Bill from escaping the ‘Nightmare Realm’, too. Having to set up safety measures to _properly_ deal with anything hazardous they got their hands on would help to keep both themselves and that other Bill from being able to use those components to collapse that dimension or similar.

Goading that Stanley about the lying would make it just as likely to follow the advice as to prove him wrong and try to help the two idiots get away with trying to do it themselves. That could go either way.

Telling that Stanley about Glasses’ love of making killing toys and killing rooms and killing _anythings_ at the drop of an idea would only help to make that Stanley more wary of that Glasses. And if he’d really been able to stop that Glasses from using the memory gun anymore, then maybe…

Well. Leaving the “killing toys” to Glasses instead of Stanford should make things interesting, too, when it came to “killing Bill.” Most of the things Glasses came up with? Weren’t exactly practical or easy to use!

Finally, getting those three idiots to leave town could potentially give Bill more space to work within unimpeded by those idiots, not just “help” those idiots by letting them work without being hounded every waking second themselves. It would certainly give them all time and space to calm themselves down, stalling out any direct conflict between them. It was even possible that it could lead to those idiots thinking everything was over, giving up on fighting and falling into what they might think was a two-way stalemate.

If the beginnings of the rift were already made from having opened a portal at least once already, then more time could either lead to it slowly degrading further until it finally ripped open, or slowly healing itself instead. Either was a possibility; Bill had no idea how that other Bill had gotten that Stanford and that Glasses to set up their portal there.

Bill wasn’t about to tell any of them that there might be an already-forming rift that was slowly growing in the basement of that Stanford’s house. If it hadn’t already happened, then it was probably at least several decades away from fully opening up on its own.

\---  
 _Title: !!! DO NOT POST !!!_

_Stanford: LISTEN TO STANLEY! He will keep you alive._

_It is Stanley’s job to get you the time and space and resources you need to be able to work without OUTSIDE interference or interruption, so that YOU can do what you need to do in order to keep that dimension you’re in and that planet you’re on INTACT. It is Stanley’s job to keep YOU ALL intact while you work on that._

_DON’T argue with Stanley if he tells you to eat or drink something or rest. JUST DO IT. He knows better than you do what you need. That’s why you CALLED him, ISN’T IT? You need help, and that is how he can help._

_If Stanley tells you a place is safe, believe him. If you don’t believe him, tell yourself YOU’RE AN IDIOT, and then ask Stanley why he thinks it’s safe, and then listen to him, and then tell yourself you’re an idiot AGAIN! If Stanley tells you a place isn’t safe, STOP what you are doing, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY with him and DON’T ARGUE. If there is something you think you can’t leave behind, YOU’RE LYING. If you THINK you have to bring it with you, talk about it with Stanley first BEFORE you think you might have to leave it._

_Stanley is going to have to watch F.M., but you are going to have to watch F.M.’s WORK. Don’t trust what he does. Even if you trust him to WANT to help you, his brain is SWISS CHEESE, and his MIND isn’t much better! Check his results, check his work, and KEEP HIM IN CHECK._

_DO NOT LET F.M. GET HIS HANDS ON ANOTHER MEMORY GUN._

_Let Stanley do the talking, and let Stanley do the lying. You’re horrible at it._

_Tell Stanley what you are thinking about doing. If you can’t explain it to him, you’re DOING IT WRONG!_

_Think you can’t explain things to Stanley for him to help you see what an idiot you are being when you’re being stupid about things? Here are some examples!_

_WRONG WAY TO “EXPLAIN”: I am going to design and construct a quantum destabilizer that can neutralize Bill Cipher._   
_RIGHT WAY THAT EXPLAINS(!!!): I am going to use lots of math to figure out how to make a really big gun that can kill Bill Cipher. Maybe. It seems like a really good idea to me!_   
_WHAT STANLEY WILL SAY, BECAUSE HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU: How big is this big gun, how hard is it to aim, how long does it take to fire, who the heck is supposed to be shooting this thing, how close do they have to be to hit him with it, what happens if they miss, and how the heck are you going to get the triangle demon to hold still for this?_   
_WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY NEXT: Thank you, Stanley, I didn’t think of that._

_WRONG WAY TO “EXPLAIN”: Stanley, I am right in the middle of--_   
_RIGHT WAY THAT EXPLAINS(!!!): Stanley, I’m not listening to you right now. Please stop me before I hurt myself._   
_WHAT STANLEY WILL SAY, BECAUSE HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU: Poindexter, I ain’t repeating myself, stop doing nerd-things and eat this right now!_   
_WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY NEXT: (Nothing! You shouldn’t try and talk while you’re eating the ‘this’! HA!)_

_What Stanley says goes. Stanley looks ahead. YOU DO NOT. You are HORRIBLE at planning ahead! You DON’T think ahead AT ALL! It’s what makes you such a great PUPPET! All knee-jerk reactions and strings to tug, with NO THOUGHT in-between!_

_(YES, Stanley LOOKS ahead, and he PLANS ahead, and he is GOOD at it. Don’t believe me? Take two minutes and think about when Stanley started working on that boat you found, how far he got on it each year, what it took him to get that far, how old he was when he was managing to do all of those things, and how close he was to finishing fixing it all up before he got kicked out of his home. NOW try telling me that Stanley DOESN’T know how to plan ahead! GO ON! Let’s SEE how much better you’ve gotten at LYING! I’M WAITING!!!)_  
\---

Bill let out a deep, frustrated sigh. He really needed to figure out _how_ his _own_ Stanley did his planning. Because that ‘swap’ in the Fearamid? Could not possibly have been Sixer’s idea. Every time something came up, ever since he’d come back, Stanley had always seemed to be **right there** , _outmaneuvering_ him somehow.

He frowned as he scrolled back to reread what he had written. Because would this even work, or was it wasted effort? Even when _his_ Stanford had been acting like a proper puppet, nine times out of ten he hadn’t really done what Bill had told him to do, leaving things out or adding things in that Bill hadn’t wanted or ever asked for.

What Bill had written was the reflection of what he’d written to Stanley, but Bill had no idea if Stanford would actually do it on his own or not.

Luckily, if that _Stanley_ did what Bill told him to do, then that Stanford _would_ be doing what Bill wanted him to do, because he’d have to be -- so there was THAT, at least.

Then, Bill got to _Fiddleford McGucket_.

\---  
 _Title: !!! DO NOT POST !!!_

 _F.M.: I don’t like you._  
\---

Bill figured that that was enough on _that_ particular front. Write anything more and that Glasses might use it against him. If that Glasses knew anything about him, he’d probably tell that Stanford to not listen to him, just like his Glasses had, and then that Stanford might not listen to him _just like his Sixer had_ \-- and for this to work, Bill knew he needed at least that Stanley and that Stanford to do what he told them to do, and not do what he told them NOT to do.

...Unless he wanted to risk what might happen if he tried to explain portal math, and all the rest of it, to that Stanley over a not-very-secure line of communication that extended well outside of that Stanley’s head, instead. Because by Bill’s calculations, it would still be possible to pull off keeping that dimension intact _without_ that Stanford on the same page and helping, but… calling it probable or likely to any degree of certainty that Bill felt comfortable with? --Not on his brother’s missing grave!

So he wasn’t giving Glasses anything he could work with if he could help it.

And, _**FINALLY**_...

\---  
 _Title: !!! DO NOT POST !!!_

_The Plan_   
_=========_   
_(A guide on HOW NOT TO BE AN IDIOT, by someone who is not an idiot!)_

_So you built a trans-universal gateway and now you’re worried that you’re gonna collapse your dimension with it, or maybe break the entire planet in half, because YOU’RE AN IDIOT! (Finally wised up, huh, Poindexter?) Well, worry no longer! Follow these quick and easy steps, and you, too, can manage not to end up dead, dead, and MORE DEAD because you pissed off a snappy-dressing triangle demon in the process, and NOW HE’S COMING FOR YOU!!!_

_But first, HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE UP AGAINST!_

_The Lineup:  
\-- Bill Cipher!!!  
Not much you can do about him except keep that unicorn hair close and look out for his EYES! He has more of them than you think!  
\-- The Society of the Blind Eye  
What, you thought you got all of them? Think that none of them ever wrote anything down about the Society? Think again, idiots! What do you know, and how do you know it? And does even F.M. know EVERYTHING that went on with his cute little cult? I DON’T THINK SO! And NEITHER DO YOU! He sure DIDN’T KNOW about that little deal Ivan made with Bill Cipher, NOW, DID HE?!  
\-- The Townspeople  
You didn’t know about Ivan, and you don’t know about the rest of them.  
\-- The Authorities (the Feds, the Police, the Fire Brigade, You Name It)  
The authorities are NOT ON YOUR SIDE. THEY NEVER WERE. Stanley knows it.  
\-- YOURSELVES  
Congratulations! You are your OWN WORST ENEMIES! Don’t believe me? Let’s review! One of you summoned a demon, made a deal with him, and then decided it was a good idea to NOT ONLY DOUBLE-CROSS him, but ALSO try to not sleep for at least TWO WEEKS straight just to AVOID TALKING TO HIM! (WHAT A SMART MOVE THERE!) One of you decided to ERASE YOUR BRAIN over and OVER AND OVER again, TRYING to turn it into MUSH, and started a CULT just so you could point to other idiots and FEEL GOOD about yourself every time you said that you weren’t the ONLY idiot who was doing it! One of you thinks that living out of their car and STARVING out on the streets is EASIER than REFUSING to LET someone kick you out of YOUR HOME in the first place! (LEARN TO SAY NO, STANLEY. LEARN. TO. SAY. NO.)_  
\---

In everything that Bill had Seen when looking into his own Stanley Pines’ life, that had been the one -- and only -- time that Bill had ever seen Stanley _not_ put up a fight. Not try to lie or cheat or steal his way out of a bad situation.

He really had no explanation for that one.

\---  
 _The Problems:_  
 _\-- No defensible base of operations_  
 _Congratulations, Bill Cipher burned down your home! What are you going to do about it? Cry? Grin and laugh some more? We’ll get back to this one in a moment!_  
 _\-- The portal parts_  
 _Do you have them, or don’t you? Survey says: YOU DON’T KNOW! Because you didn’t go down into the basement to figure that one out! Great job, geniuses! Next question: does Bill Cipher even CARE about getting the trans-universal gateway together anymore using THOSE PARTS? HOW BADLY have you pissed off your own personal triangle demon? Does Bill Cipher need a SAFE and STABLE working gateway to make a portal he can use to get from where he is, to where all of you are physically located, into that dimension of yours? Or does he not care about ANY of that anymore, only caring about doing as much DAMAGE as possible, using..._  
 _\-- The nuclear waste!_  
 _That stuff can cause a lot of damage! Everything about that stuff is a problem, from radiation poisoning if it’s dumped directly into the water supply (or even stored improperly OUT IN THE OPEN in leaking fire-damaged drums!), to straight-up dirty bombs, to actually using it to power a reconstructed or newly-built trans-universal gateway! The “fire department” SAYS they have it currently, but WHO ELSE KNOWS where it is and WHAT it is? And are you SURE you know where ALL OF IT is? And even if you do, can you stop..._  
 _\-- Bill Cipher’s puppets?_  
 _You don’t know how many of them there are, because you gave up after asking that stupid mailbox in a stupid way! And then you got it to blow itself up on you so you can’t ask again. Great job AGAIN, geniuses! But no worries! While you were away from the house and the town for four days straight on your little hike, Bill Cipher PROBABLY got himself a bunch more of them that you wouldn’t know about anyway! And THAT means that there are probably a lot more people that are all-in on..._  
 _\-- Bill Cipher’s deals!_  
 _You remember what THAT was like, don’t you Stanford? Realizing what you wanted? Being TOLD you COULD have it? Let’s be honest, Stanford, you had a VERY hard time taking the gateway machinery downstairs apart, even AFTER YOU DECIDED that you didn’t want Bill Cipher coming through, DIDN’T YOU. Do you remember how you felt a day, a week, a MONTH after you had that deal in place, how it felt as it ALL started to COME TOGETHER? NOW, just IMAGINE that someone had walked up to you RIGHT THEN and told you that YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT! That you needed to GIVE THAT UP, because THEY SAY SO. Would you have PUT UP WITH anyone TAKING that AWAY FROM YOU? You wouldn’t, not THEN. Most people wouldn’t. You got LUCKY with Ivan. LUCKY. Because it isn’t the DEALS that are dangerous, you idiots. It’s the HOPE. It’s the GREED. It’s people realizing WHAT THEY WANT and HOW THEY CAN GET IT, and what they’ll GIVE UP for it! You want to KNOW what people WANT? They’ll be HAPPY to TELL YOU! You want to BREAK their DEALS? Then you’d BETTER BE ready for a FIGHT._  
 _\-- Bill Cipher’s plans_  
 _You don’t know what those are. You don’t care enough to ask. And you don’t care WHY he wants into your dimension, or anything else. All YOU care about is locking him out of that dimension and making him leave you alone. SO LET’S MOVE ON SHALL WE!_  
 _\-- Bill Cipher himself_  
 _You don’t know anything about him, you never did, AND YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO ASK. And the more I read here, the less I KNOW about him, TOO! Is HE a problem? HIS ANGER SURE IS!_

_Wow, what a mess! So, what can you do about it? Well, I’m SO GLAD that you ASKED!_

_\--Get a new base of operations!_   
_Stanley can tell you how important this one is, and what NOT having one is like. These aren’t just good for having a place to put all your stuff in, oh no. As living human beings, you need food, water, a place to store that food and water, and a place where you can grab several hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time! Plus, as an added bonus, it should be defensible enough that you don’t get RUN OUT again or TRAPPED INSIDE it and BURNT ALIVE instead!_

_Here are your choices!_   
_\-- F.M.’s apartment_   
_A BAD IDEA. This is in the center of town. You don’t know who Bill Cipher’s active puppets are, The Authorities might be after Stanford for the radioactive waste, and BECAUSE it is in the center of town, you won’t know if the people you see around your place are puppets, Feds, or ‘just around’ because they live nearby. You won’t know which are which until you’re already surrounded and it’s too late. And you don’t have any emergency or backdoor exits you can take to safety!_   
_\-- Stanford’s house_   
_How far was it burned down? Halfway and a collapse? Is any of it still usable? No-one will expect you to go back there and stay there, at least! MIght be USEFUL to raid the place for supplies at some point, if you get DESPERATE enough to see if anything survived the fire, the water that put it out, and the cold that froze everything over again!_   
_\-- The basement of Stanford’s house_   
_Can you still get in from the house? Is there another way in? Can you dig a new one out quickly? You need to get down there to check on the portal parts anyway. Might be good for “laying low” short-term, if the water from putting out the fire didn’t flood the place! But even if it didn’t, is staying down there a long-term solution?_   
_\-- The bunker_   
_Stocked with food and water and supplies, hard to find and even harder to get into, this is ideal for “laying low” as long as Bill Cipher isn’t telling his puppets where to find you and how to get at you! Which makes it less than ideal, because once you’re in, you’re in with only one way out. And you’ve got at least one dangerous creature in there that you might be sharing the place with, that could have been released by a puppet at some point since you were in there last..._   
_\-- Somewhere outside of town_   
_You think that Bill Cipher’s direct influence drops off rapidly as you get farther away from the town. But do you REALLY want to test that theory? Motels are expensive, though! And oh, the commute! Especially in the wintry snow and ice! And what if one of Bill Cipher’s puppets cuts the brake line on Stanley’s car? It only takes ONCE!_   
_\-- The haunted cabin_   
_The Corduroys sure do have a GHOST problem, don’t they? This is where Stanford figured out his categories of ghosts! “Scientifically.” And hey, you need to talk to them about repairing Stanford’s house anyway, don’t you? Ask to stay in it while they’re FIXING UP Stanford’s place, slap a unicorn hair barrier on it during the daytime hours to force-EVICT all those pesky ghosts, and you’re set! Far enough from town that you can feel comfortable knowing that anyone who comes that far out to see you is someone you’ll be wanting to shoot on sight, and close enough to easily stock with any goods you’ll need from town, the bunker, or Stanford’s house, the only problem with the place is that it’s not any more defensible than Stanford’s house, either. And the only problem with the Corduroys is, if any of THEM are Bill’s puppets, they’ll be a LOT harder to fight off than the regular townsfolk. (Not as hard as DEALING with SHIFTY, THOUGH!)_   
_\-- The spaceship_   
_A hike to get to from town, impossible to find without help, and with a built-in security system of its own, this would be near-ideal as a safe haven if only you could manage to reprogram it yourselves! Has Bill Cipher sent a puppet ahead to reprogram it to his own amusement before you arrive? Hopefully not! But you’ll probably need to check and boobytrap this anyway to keep Bill Cipher or his puppets from raiding this place for any useful tech, since THIS was your original one-stop supply depot for portal parts! With no food, water, or other supplies here currently, another downside to picking this as THE PLACE TO BE is what it’d TAKE to set up a stockpile at this location. Ladders and gravity -- what a hassle! Right?_   
_\-- The caves_   
_You just came from there, you don’t have any food or water there, you’d need to drag in a gas generator and fuel to have any electricity in the place, and you’d have to chop down your own trees to create your own barricades at every single one of those entrances to make them even a little bit defensible -- but hey, at least it’d be one step up from camping out in the woods! Rain and snow can be so annoying when they get into your fine electronics and your chemistry sets! It’s far from the town, so if you’re looking for some “remote” to go with your “laying low,” this could be a workable dead-last resort?_   
_\-- Stanley’s car_   
_Too cold to sleep in overnight even with the heater on, this isn’t more than a very short-term option when you’re trying to ‘house’ three people, especially in the wintertime. You’d be better off camping, because at least being out in the open wouldn’t be giving you a false sense of security! Because cars have breakable windows, and cars require gas to move._

_Hey, let’s face it, none of these choices are great. Stanley’s going to downvote F.M.’s apartment if it looks like the Feds are after you, and he’ll balk at the money needed for a hotel outside of town. F.M. isn’t going to want to stay in the bunker or the basement of Stanford’s house. None of you will want to stay in the caves or in Stanley’s car long-term. Stanford’s house is probably too much of a mess right now to stay in or you wouldn’t have left for F.M.’s place instead._

_That leaves the haunted cabin and the spaceship. So why not do both! Secure the haunted cabin as your new main base of operations first, and plan to set up the spaceship as a fallback location for later._

_\-- Get food and water and barrier supplies!_   
_Next on the list is food and barrier supplies, which may include getting some more of that unicorn hair. Don’t worry -- if you do need more of that, that annoying lying unicorn isn’t the only one left in that glade; there are plenty more where you found that one!_

_\-- Track down and handle that radioactive waste!_   
_Next after THAT is tracking down the RADIOACTIVE WASTE and refinding the portal parts. Make yourself a Geiger counter if you have to, and track the material from those barrels down! Though what you do with it, once you know where it all is, might be a PUZZLE! Do you leave it where it is and hope for the best? Get the authorities to dispose of it for you? Try and steal it out from cover of nightfall directly? Storm the place to recover it? Have Stanley con someone into thinking HE is the authorities they should be giving it to and steal it back that way, instead? And, if you’re taking it all back, once you have it back, what are you going to DO with it? Do YOU have any way to dispose of it all safely?_

_\-- Make sure you’ll know if more radioactive waste is brought into town for that portal, or worse!_   
_That’s not the END of it, either! Once you’ve finished handling THAT, you’ll need to set up ‘LISTENING’ posts around the town, that will take background measurements of radiation. That way, you actually have a CHANCE of intercepting any NEW shipments of the stuff, if Bill tries to ‘import’ in any more radioactive waste in from OUTSIDE of the town, via PUPPET or DEAL or OTHERWISE._

_\-- Track down and secure those portal parts!_   
_If you’ve found the portal parts as part of finding the nuclear waste, then you’ll either need to SECURE THEM in a safe location, or BREAK THEM so that they can’t be used again! If you HAVEN’T found the portal parts yet, check Stanford’s basement lab if you haven’t already. If they aren’t THERE, you’ll have to choose between pursuing the zodiac and racing to try and find where Bill Cipher is having the portal set up, in order to try and stop him and his puppets. TICK TOCK!_

_\-- Make sure you’ll know if those parts ARE being stolen, or more portal parts are being made!_  
 _If you know where everything you USED to have to make that portal is, you’ll WANT to make sure that the machinery CAN’T BE USED and can’t be STOLEN for however long you’re away. You’ll also want to make sure that no-one is stealing material from the spaceship that could be used to make NEW PARTS that YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT, either! Set up some cameras of your own so you can SEE anything that happens while you’re away. Because hey, if you can’t THINK FOR YOURSELF, then you might as well STEAL YOUR IDEAS FROM THE BEST AND THE WORST just like you’ve ALWAYS DONE IT!_  
\---

Bill pulled in a breath, then let it out slowly. And then, he started writing the last bit, which he had known was going to be the hardest for him to write...

\---  
 _\-- Try and track down “The Zodiac”...(?!)_  
 _Finally, THE ZODIAC._

 _You DON’T KNOW WHAT it is. You DON’T KNOW what it DOES. You DON’T KNOW WHY it’s important, and you DON’T KNOW WHO the people are, and you definitely DON’T KNOW if Bill Cipher has ALREADY made them his PUPPETS. (Like Stanford! HA!)_  
\---

Bill grimaced, thinking of the living ventriloquist dummy (ugh), then smiled slightly thinking of Pine Tree instead. Good times!

Then his mouth dropped into a frown again as he next wrote:

\---  
 _I DON’T KNOW WHAT it is. I DON’T KNOW what it DOES. And because I DON’T KNOW WHAT Bill Cipher’s prophecy is, I CAN’T TELL YOU._

 _NOT the cave drawings. That is YOUR prophecy, NOT HIS._  
\---

Bill let out another breath. This was getting a lot more touch-and-go than he liked.

\---  
 _I can’t even tell you WHERE they are. If THEY AREN’T THERE, then IT WON’T WORK._  
\---

Which was the thing that was driving Bill up a wall, really. Because did that other Bill really have a _shifting_ Zodiac? -- _How often_ did it shift? Was that the _REASON_ behind his madness? Had that other Bill’s Zodiac just been one long shifting set of members that he could never REACH? That as soon as he had one or two of them, that they just _slipped away_ from him, out of his Zodiac circle again, RIGHT when he thought he might _actually_ be GETTING SOMEWHERE?

Bill’s Zodiac had been set, unchanging, _rigid_. No workarounds, and one-chance-only. Get them all in the right place and maybe, just maybe, he’d manage to get out. And it had taken him _plans upon plans upon plans_ to get THAT to WORK.

Bill HATED HATED HATED THE AXOLOTL!!!

The only other possibility Bill could think of was that, maybe...

\---  
 _I can’t even TELL YOU that the Zodiac can defeat Bill! Stanley, Stanford, F.M. -- what do these have in common? Bill Cipher trying to make a deal with you! Broken scroll or tube? Ivan? Had a Deal with Bill Cipher too! For all YOU know, what you saw in those caves and “felt” inside your head and dreams wasn’t a Zodiac, THOSE drawings you were looking at might just be a RECORD of WHO BILL HAS BEEN Dealing WITH lately!_  
\---

Because that would be a MASTERSTROKE if it was true. The idea had taken away Bill’s breath when he’d thought of it, as he’d typed it out. --If that other Bill had messed with the cave drawings, to send those three idiots on a WILD HUMAN CHASE, to keep them busy with ABSOLUTE NONSENSE while he finished doing what he NEEDED to do in order to get out of the ‘Nightmare Realm’...

But there HAD to be at least SOMETHING to it though, didn’t there? Or those same static symbols as Bill had in _his_ Zodiac wouldn’t have been a set part of that other Bill’s summoning circle in the first place.

...They _had_ been a part of that other Bill’s summoning circle, right?

\---  
 _I DON’T KNOW what Bill’s prophecy is. Neither do you._

 _None of this makes any sense._  
\---

Bill frowned as something finally occurred to him. And then he typed grimly.

\---  
 _Unless he ALREADY has you where he wants you._

_Stanford, did Bill Cipher ALREADY PUPPET YOU THROUGH the portal? Are you WHERE he WANTS YOU to be NOW?_

_Does he even need you ALIVE anymore? ANY of you?_  
\---

Because… if that other Bill was already acting like he was out, like the endgame was already done… all the Zodiac has to be in position, right? The Rift already had to be there and forming and ready to go. It had to be a sure thing that they were there and the Rift was there, that Bill would be able to get out. Right?

But Shooting Star and Pine Tree and all the rest...

Bill shook his head abruptly. Let out a huff of breath. He didn’t know what those symbols ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE. Maybe… maybe they _weren’t_ the same as his own, completely.

That Stanford _was_ horrible at describing things. And that Stanley was only marginally better.

\---  
 _If you ASKED him, would he LIE?_  
\---

Maybe. Probably.

\---  
 _Talking with the Handwitch is probably the safest and easiest route, HA!_

_Just make sure to REMEMBER to ask her for a healing potion for Stanford’s arm, if she has one. She IS a WITCH!!!_

_Maybe Stanford will be better at DESCRIBING things if he has two hands to type that much FASTER. But I DOUBT IT!_

_But, if you’re going to be running around looking like a bunch of IDIOTS trying to do THAT, you MIGHT want to do THIS first INSTEAD:_

_\-- Make some defensive weaponry!_   
_Let F.M. go to town on this one! (Figuratively! You’ll ACTUALLY want him hitting the junkyard for this one, HAHA!) For the absolutely-must-be-lethal stuff that will REALLY screw you up, let F.M. do the building! For the less-than-lethal things, like taser GUNS that you don’t have to get within arm’s reach to use, get Stanford to lend you a hand. (HE’s only got the one working one right now!)_

_\-- Get adventuring!_  
 _Put on those foil-lined baseball hats of yours, string up those unicorn hair necklaces, slip some shockproof-bulletproof material on under your jackets, and you’ll be ready to go! Don’t forget to add some fireproof lining to those tents of yours, too, jus in case a certain puppet or two tries to Molotov cocktail you in the middle of the night! You know there’s AT LEAST ONE LEFT!_  
\---

...And that was about all Bill was going to say on the matter. It was already maybe too much as it was.

Yeesh, having to try and talk via WRITING was IMPOSSIBLE! Bill didn’t like it, and now he knew WHY he’d been so stressed out earlier that week. --He was used to TALKING to his soon-to-be-puppets, and Seeing and hearing their thoughts as he did! He was used to being able to CHANGE UP his message as he tried to Deal, to account for off-center thoughts, incorrect understanding, and a shifting mindset. Writing like THIS? Was like HOLLERING INTO A VOID, instead, HOPING that the ECHOES ended up reaching the other side of the communication divide UNDISTORTED.

HA! Well, it was what it was. At least he’d TRIED to make it easier on himself later! He was still working on the math for uncollapsing dimensions, after all. Needed to LOOK AT a _lot_ more measurements to figure things out, do some other… hm.

He probably shouldn’t let himself get too sidetracked just yet. For one thing, could he even ‘submit’ this as-is? ‘Asks’ allowed for full anonymity, but… _now_ , to be ready to “submit” it all to that blogsite later? Bill checked, and realized that he’d need an account to push it through.

Which also required a username. And an email address.

“HMMMMMMMMM…” Bill hummed to himself, thinking about this a bit. Because he wasn’t about to out himself _that_ easily, after all that rerouting and subterfuge, just because a ‘sign-up page’ asked him nicely!

... _WELL._ He _was_ using a “clone” of Shooting Star’s phone. Why not keep on with the theme? How about… HA! ‘agirlwholikessweaterspigsglitter’ wasn’t taken for EITHER of them!

He created the accounts, then thought for a moment and went on from there to set up his own “blogsite” a little bit -- because he could!

\---  
 _Title: I AM A THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO LIKES SWEATERS AND PIGS! HAHA!_  
\---

HM. First blogpost? Might as well _roll out_ the welcome mat!

\---  
 _Title: WELCOME IDIOTS!!!_

_Text: MY BLOG. MINE. MINE MINE MINEMINE MINEMINEMINE!_

_I LIKE GLITTER AND HUGS! YES! THAT IS WHAT I LIKE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_  
\---

‘ _There! That should do it!_ ’ “HA!” Bill thought, as he let out a laugh and hit the ‘post’ button.

Then he went back to what he’d written for the ‘submissions’ and quickly changed all the ALLCAPS to regular text. Because that seemed to be a thing that Stanford hated the most, and Stanley made the most fun of, any asks with those characteristics.

He was about to try and think over anything he might have missed, when the notification he’d set up on his phone -- for the time sync-up and access ping of that blogsite -- went off.

“AH!” Bill not-quite-yelped out, startled. He nearly dropped the phone.

He pulled up the blogsite quickly and started copying-and-pasting text into the submission forms, then hitting ‘send’ on each one after another, after another, after another, after another.

He let out a long breath once he’d pushed them all through.

Refreshed the page.

\---

_We all took much needed showers, and we’re as safe as anyone inside of an apartment that Stanley was able to break into within thirty seconds flat could be._

_Stanley did come up with an idea on how to get the toxic waste back from the authorities, although we’re not entirely sure on the idea now._

_He thinks he could go up to the station and successfully fool them into thinking they were just labeled toxic waste, but they they really aren’t. Perhaps even say they’re actually props for a play._

_Also potentially using the memory blaster on them._

\---

“HA, bet that was all Stanley,” Bill muttered to himself, sitting back on his bed in the bedroom he shared with his Stanley -- on his own for the moment but keeping an eye out in case he came in there, though he shouldn’t this time of day -- then refreshed the [page](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226041292/alright-never-mind).

\---

_Alright, never mind._

_#Vrphrqh hovh fdq kdyh wklv ghylfh._

\---

“‘Someone else can have this device’?” Bill let out a huff of breath.

He lay down flat on his bed, grinning. “Never _could_ take it real well when ANYONE shows that THEY’RE SMARTER THAN YOU, huh Stanford?” Because that one? Was ALWAYS a WIN!

Then Bill’s smile faded slightly. “He had to have read at least some of it, though. Right?” Bill said with a growing frown.

Well, it should still be all right so long as Stanley read HIS submission. Fez wasn’t stupid like the other two idiots. And that Stanford usually handed the thing off to Stanley next, right?

Bill hit refresh [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226134427/do-not-post).

\---

_!!! DO NOT POST !!!  
F.M.: I don’t like you._

_Whoops, thumb musta slipped._

_//F.M._

\---

Bill dropped the phone onto the bed, rolled over, grabbed the nearest pillow, and covered his mouth with it before the screaming commenced.

Mostly only gargling and quiet-shrieky sounds managed to escape the confines of the misused cotton-filled fabric casing.

He had to let go eventually, because his stupid human-ish body required air for that whole ‘ _breathing_ ’ thing.

“THAT. STUPID. RRRRGRAGH.” Bill panted out, then bit the pillow multiple times in frustration. _He’d written NOT TO POST IT!!!_

And what if that Glasses tried to DELETE it all, everything that he had sent, before Stanley could READ any of it?!?

...Or posted THE REST OF IT, and that _other Bill_ found it and read it eventually.

“Rrr,” Bill said, grumbling as he curled up around the much-abused pillow, back to the phone. “Stupid Glasses.”

It took him a few minutes of clawing at the pillow before he felt in control enough again, to flip himself over and poke at the phone screen.

And then he absolutely _shuddered_ at the [copy machine ask](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226202177/this-may-seem-like-a-really-stupid-question). He did NOT like the idea of jumping into a ‘flat mind’ AT ALL, accidentally or otherwise!

“‘Plausible’.” Bill shuddered again. “No. Won’t work. He’ll realize what’s going on and jump out again immediately,” Bill muttered, as he scanned the rest of the updates.

“Helix…” he muttered. It took him awhile to think through them all, remembering. “...Wait. Wasn’t that the fun one?” Bill muttered to himself, confused as he read ‘[crawled on back](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226462232/yep-thats-the-one-from-helix)’ from Stanley. Because wasn’t crawling supposed to be an insult for humans?

He scrolled up a bit more. Hives, snitching? Saying that ‘helix’ was back was ‘[snitching](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226649037/yep-thats-the-one)’? And that Fez considered it a good thing?

Reading Fez say that they were going to try and [get the radioactive waste back quickly](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179226810457/so-besides-what-the-troll-is-doing-are-you) was… something of a relief.

Refreshing the page to read what that Stanley said that Stanford was saying to do -- or rather, _not do_ \-- was [NOT](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227004802/alright-much-as-i-hate-to-admit-it-its-gonna-be-a).

\---

_alright much as i hate to admit it, its gonna be a pain to move those barrels of sludge anywhere and ford says theyre about as safe there from bill as they would be in the bunker so_

_not a lot of options on where to put those bad boys_

\---

“No, it isn’t,” Bill muttered. Because it _wasn’t_ safe. And there _were_ lots of options. He’d _written_ about all the options for places where they could go, and dig in, and...

_\--Stanley hadn’t read what he’d written._

Bill cursed under his breath.

\--Damage control. His puppets weren’t listening to him. _First things first_ , he needed to make Stanley understand that that Stanford was an idiot who didn’t know what he was talking about. Bill debated whether to use the ‘account’ or to write anonymously, then decided anonymous.

It was almost physically painful for him to leave out the ALLCAPS this time, _and_ have to repeat himself.

\---

_The 'sludge' isn't safe anywhere while it's radioactive. The barrels could leak. The 'sludge' could be dumped into the water supply._

\---

He hit ‘send’ then refreshed the page.

...And decided to mostly ignore anything to do with a ‘hive’. If it actually existed, it couldn’t get to him here, or those three idiots there.

He refreshed the page [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227137172/sixers-saying-hes-been-trying-to-force-those).

\---

_sixers saying hes been trying to force those symbols to mind and hasnt gotten jack since the cave_

_which is kinda weird because he popped out like five of them just on the trip there_

\---

“What.” Bill said. He shook his head, then let out a single hysterical laugh, because had that Stanford been awake when he’d done it? Asleep? Something else? --Things just kept making less and less sense with that other Bill Cipher!

He hit refresh [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227212082/so-if-the-barrels-are-as-safe-as-they-can-be-where).

\---

_FEXILED ASKED:_   
_so if the barrels are as safe as they can be where they are, then heading out to find the handwitch is the next thing to do, right? if she helps you find a way to defeat bill, you won't even need to keep those barrels away from him for much longer_

 

_yup_

_apparently if anyone knows all this magic stuff it should be her according to poindexter_

\---

“Ugh.” Bill wondered if he should just try doling out the information in small chunks to these idiots. See if it went down any better. That Bill would probably thank him for poking and prodding that Stanford into fixing his arm so that he could go off and have the fun of breaking it again, right?

Bill refreshed the [page](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227364387/interesting-how-the-fire-was-only-three-nights).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Interesting how the fire was only three nights prior to your return...You would have been relatively close to the shack correct? And I believe Gravity Falls has rather large cliff sides surrounding the town?_

_could have been while we were asleep i guess, we were also you know a few good miles out by that point_

_#kinda hard to hear a firetruck when youre way out of town and in the middle of the woods_

\---

“I said that before!” Bill complained as he read the anonymous ask, sitting up. Why hadn’t Stanley answered _his_ ask then! Then he frowned, remembering that Stanley hadn’t been the one with the ‘device’ at the time that he’d brought that up. ...And he frowned in confusion as he read what that Fez had written down as an explanation.

\---

_You really can’t hear things in the middle of the woods when you’re only that far out?_

\---

...because that didn’t seem right to him, and Bill blinked and realized he’d typed and hit ‘send’ only _after_ he’d already done so, and let out a snarl at himself. That _wasn’t_ his Stanley! He couldn’t just ask any question he wanted and expect a straight answer out of--

Bill shook his head and refreshed the page. Read about ‘driving through the woods’, ‘nicknames’, [and--](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227527092/hello-police-i-see-you-have-my-toxic-waste-can-i)

\---

_METAPHORICALTIGERS ASKED:_   
_"hello police I see you have my toxic waste, can I please have it back for non-illegal reasons"_

_nah see just gotta tell them its not really toxic sludge. i worked it out too see, we’ll bring by a barrel from the junkyard and make it look like the others and sneak it in by them then just pop it open to show its nothing illegal!_

_#course could just go in and steal the barrels but might still leave a mark on fords national criminal record_

\---

Bill blinked. That was-- actually very close to what he’d written, wasn’t it? Stealing them as a last resort, but... 

No, actually. He’d told them that Stan should con them, but he’d written down… that he should pretend to be the authorities to get those barrels? Which would have had him able to commandeer any vehicles he would need to move them, and--

Wait. Had he actually written that down? How much of what he’d been thinking had he _ACTUALLY_ written down?!

Bill closed his eyes to think, then reopened them and flicked his phone over to the notes-taking app that he’d used to write his Plan into, instead.

He tried very, very hard, to ONLY read what he’d written down there.

And then he let out a slow clicking-whistling breath.

On the radioactive waste, he’d ended the whole thing with “And, if you’re taking it all back, once you have it back, what are you going to do with it? Do you have any way to dispose of it all safely?”

...Which was actually directly in-line with that Stanley having said that they were going to be difficult to deal with.

Did that mean that Stanley had read what he’d written? Or were they just thinking along similar lines? Bill had noticed that he and his own Stanley sometimes did that, when they were talking about and through how to handle certain things...

Bill refreshed [the](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227739867/i-wonder-if-the-mclaserit-somehow-made-it-though) [page](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227745727/house-woulda-just-imploded-or-whatever-if-the).

\---

_i wonder if the mclaserit somehow made it though_

-

_house woulda just imploded or whatever if the thing blew up right?_

\---

Bill let out a breath, then started typing, keeping to anonymous and that irritating lowercase.

\---

_It depends on what F.M. was using to power the stupid thing. Implosion is less likely than an explosion.__

\---

Bill hesitated.

\---

_It depends on what F.M. was using to power the stupid thing. Implosion is less likely than an explosion, the way he builds things. It could have been stolen, too._

\---

Bill hit send.

After hitting refresh, he let out a huff and almost smiled at what he saw [next](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179227797597/whats-the-game-plan-for-when-you-get-there-are):

\---

_FORDTATO ASKED:_   
_What's the game plan for when you get there? Are you just gonna ask point blank about the zodiac? If she's actually psychic, maybe there's more you can learn._

 

_well hey if you all got any pointers about how to talk to real actual psychic people about stuff im all ears._

_#but yeah just gonna ask her whats going on with the whole wheel thing_

\---

“Fishing for hints?” Bill typed.

\---

_If she’s actually psychic, then talk to her with respect, not like she’s stupid. Like any other lady. You know how to talk to women, Stanley, you aren’t that idiot Stanford.__

\---

Bill knew how it worked with most races the multiverse over. That _was_ how it worked with witches in that dimension, too, right?

Bill paused.

\---

_If she’s actually psychic, then talk to her with respect, not like she’s stupid. Like any other lady. You know how to talk to women, Stanley, you aren’t that idiot Stanford. And remember to ask her if she can heal that idiot’s arm, while you’re at it. And think about payment. Compliments are a good start, I hear._

\---

Bill hit send, then refreshed the page.

He frowned when he saw Stanley apparently take offense to the Handwitch having her own mountain named after her?

“She’s a witch, and she’s famous in the area,” Bill muttered. “How is that surprising?” The town had a second Halloween festival in the middle of the summer, even! Yeesh. That Stanford _clearly_ hadn’t explained things to that Stanley properly.

Then again, this _was_ Stanford Bill was thinking about...

Bill refreshed the page and [saw](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228116157/hey-wait-so-why-is-she-called-the-hand-witch-by):

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_hey wait so why is she called the hand witch by the way? like did this come up and I didn’t notice?? who calls themself the hand witch (who lives on hand witch mountain)?_

 

_i dont know but this is way too much hand witch going on_

_shes got a bunch of cut off hands or something that follows her around? i dont know! why is there a whole mountain just called hand witch mountain_

\---

And Bill got fed up enough with Stanley’s ignorance on the subject to write:

\---

_She's a witch who's accomplished in the dark arts and she's been around for several times longer than you've been alive. Of course she's famous. You're in the middle of a town that has a second Halloween called Summerween, Stanley. Didn't that idiot tell you anything about the place?_

\---

He glanced farther down the page and [saw](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228081157/if-mclaserit-survived-it-could-be-in-the-hands-of):

\---

_FORDTATO ASKED:_   
_If McLaserit survived, it could be in the hands of whoever burned the shack, which sounds dangerous_

 

_well if they got it then they wont have it for long_

_oh yeah and im gonna ask someone at the pharmacy if they ever caught whoever started the fire up, see what they know_

\---

“Pharmacy?” Bill echoed. Why would they have seen anything? The house wasn’t that close to the pharmacy. The ‘wont have it for long’ implied they were going to steal it back, though, which was good.

He flopped back on the bed and tried to think. That Fez seemed to have things… mostly in hand? Still listened to that Stanford too much, but...

He thought for awhile, then realized that his thoughts were really going nowhere and hit refresh [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228259547/hey-you-want-to-insult-a-guys-brother-go-and-pick).

\---

_hey you want to insult a guys brother go and pick another guy huh, im busy here_

 

\---

Bill blinked. “Hm?” Who was that Stanley talking to?

He [kept](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228338977/its-not-confirmed-but-scampy-may-have-possibly) [reading](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228349572/shes-a-witch-whos-accomplished-in-the-dark-arts).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_It's "not confirmed" but Scampy may have possibly scavenged the remains of your house for food._

_scampers gonna set the shack on fire for a second time, maybe its burnt enough they wont start up anything though?_

_look i dont wanna go back to kick the lil spit fire out of the shack if hes not actually hurting the place more than it already is_

_#dont get what you mean by not confirmed though_

-

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_She's a witch who's accomplished in the dark arts and she's been around for several times longer than you've been alive. Of course she's famous. You're in the middle of a town that has a second Halloween called Summerween, Stanley. Didn't that idiot tell you anything about the place?_

_hey fuck off pal_

\---

Bill glared down at the screen.

\---

_What, you don’t like getting your questions answered, ‘pal’?_

\---

Bill hit send, fuming. He had been doing that Stanley a FAVOR!

He hit [refresh](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228416917/were-people-being-rude-how-awful-cl) [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228453577/whats-wrong-stan-dont-like-people-calling-your).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Were people being rude?! How awful! -C.L._

 

_it happens_

-

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_What’s wrong Stan? Don’t like people calling your brother an idiot?_

 

_dont like people wasting my time_

\---

The first one had him blinking again. The second one brought him up short.

“Why would anyone have a problem with calling an idiot and idiot?” Bill muttered. That ask was just… _odd_. That Stanford was an idiot, because he didn’t use his brain for anything more than a squishy biological paperweight almost every moment of the day that he was supposedly-conscious and not wandering his own personal ‘Dreamscape’, as far as Bill could tell. It was a fact. Bill was just calling it like he saw it.

He’d expect that sort of negative reaction if he had called that Stanford _stupid_ , maybe, but…

His Stanley had never said anything to him about it when he called Stanford or anyone else an idiot. And that Stanley’s rebuttal did seem to confirm that calling that Stanford an idiot was not the problem, but...

He frowned further at that Stanley’s reply. “How was answering your question a waste of your time,” Bill muttered. Because that made even _less_ sense to him.

He stared at the screen for a long time, then wrote it and sent it.

\---

_How was answering your question a waste of your time?_

\---

Because Bill didn’t get it. Didn’t most people WANT to KNOW things? His Stanley certainly did! Stanley asked all kinds of questions, and then listened when he talked, and even asked ‘why’! His Stanley didn’t just want the facts; his Stanley WANTED all the explanations that went with them!

...What did _that_ Stanley want? Bill didn’t like the idea of their just letting that radioactive waste sit wherever it was -- _THEY DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT WAS!!!_ \-- but screaming at them through ALLCAPS WRITING through the device wouldn’t work. The last time he’d done that, he’d gotten a response from that Stanford, yes, but it _hadn’t_ been what he’d wanted, that Stanford hadn’t done what he’d wanted, and he HADN’T gotten to talk to that other Stanley.

Bill felt truly frustrated. Did they just NOT CARE that they might all end up dead from a nuclear bomb in the next hour or two? Or radiation poisoning the next time they tried to go into town for food and water? Or...

Bill refreshed the page, and [saw](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228595222/i-will-personally-kick-the-ass-of-the-guy-making):

\---

_NOUR386 ASKED:_   
_I will personally kick the ass of the guy making fun of Ford_

_hey go for it. if you manage it i’ll even tell ford about it_

\---

“Right. Sure you will,” Bill said to himself with a smirk. From another universe that seemed almost completely cut off from the rest of the interdimensional multiverse? HA!

...Then again, _had_ they been talking about him? --Still wouldn’t work, though. How would they find whoever it was through their own internet? They weren’t _him!_

Another refresh [gave](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228654137/gonna-go-ahead-and-drive-here) [him](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179228663897/dont-make-me-come-back-yeah):

\---

_gonna go ahead and drive here_

-

_dont make me come back yeah?_

\---

 

He put the phone down again once he saw that Glasses had taken over. “Ugh.”

Bill flopped back on the bed and spent some time working on thinking about possible ways to use magic that might be able to kill, contain, constrain, drain, or fragment a Bill Cipher that was still a being of pure energy. He wasn’t ABOUT to trust that that trio of idiots would be able to handle things properly and keep their own dimension intact, the rate things were going with them. Which meant he might have to deal with -- read: handle -- that other Bill Cipher not only _out_ of that other ‘Nightmare Realm’, but also potentially in a really _REALLY_ bad mood...

Later, he picked it up again, to glance through ‘elbow licking’, ‘memes’, and various other errata involving… _more attempts at the licking of elbows_.

This. THIS. _THIS_ is why he didn’t like Glasses. _How did he get Stanford to do things that he would never ever do if Bill told him to do them instead?!?!?_ \--And now _Stanley_ , too?!

“You [licked your own elbow](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179229518542/yup-still-perfectly-able-to-lick-my-own-elbow)?” Bill muttered. “Not unless you tore off your tongue, or broke your arm in two. LIAR.”

It occurred to him to wonder if his own Glasses might have been like this, without all the brain melting from the memory gun.

And then suddenly, just like that, Bill felt _much_ better about his own Glasses. _Clearly_ he had a superior Glasses, who had decided melting his brain was a MUCH better idea than doing any sort of thing such as THIS TRAVESTY RIGHT HERE. _CLEARLY_

He put down the device again and was about to turn off the screen when he saw writing from Stanley at the top of the screen.

He picked it up again and [scrolled](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230047057/alright-alright-getting-some-supplies-here-gonna).

“‘[Recognized](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230205327/okay-yup-just-get-recognized)’? ‘[Suspect](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230416297/why-am-i-always-a-suspect)’?” Bill frowned. They were going to get themselves arrested. STANLEY was going to get ARRESTED. --He’d TOLD them to NOT stay at the apartment _FOR A REASON!!_ To _get out of town!!_ Those--

Bill snarled and typed quickly.

\---

_Tell them that they were really on the ball. That you are an undercover agent and were looking for those barrels.__

\---

It took him a moment to add something that he’d Seen his Stanley go through, when he’d been older and running the Mystery Shack for longer, when he’d seemed to have better success at conning, and had been doing it to the townspeople.

\---

_Tell them that they were really on the ball. That you are an undercover agent and were looking for those barrels. Misdirect, redirect, grease the wheels._

\---

Bill hit ‘send’. Refreshed the blogsite.

“Stop panicking,” he muttered at [all](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230521197/wait-wait-do-they-think-you-started-the-fire) [the](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230562127/i-mean-ill-give-it-to-them-pretty-good-sounding) [idiocy](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230577207/think-she-might-think-i-burnt-the-place-down-too) that Stanley was displaying just then.

Bill didn’t know what else to tell him to do, though. He didn’t know enough about what, exactly, was happening.

He refreshed the [page](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230621067/okay-but-get-this-alright-someone-called-the-fire).

\---

_okay but get this alright. someone called the fire department about the fire, no idea who but turns out thats why the place didnt burn all the way down_

_and guy called boyish dan apparently saw someone hanging around the shack, already tried asking what they’d look like but she didn’t know. said id just have to ask him myself_

\---

“Well, at least they’ll talk to the Corduroys now. Maybe,” Bill muttered to himself, flopping back on the bed again. Maybe they’d listen to him when he told them to take the haunted cabin _then_.

...Or not. They didn’t seem to be listening to him, now. Not really.

Bill let out a huff of breath. They’d at least RESPONDED to him when he’d been talking to him like himself before, even if they hadn’t done what he wanted. And now that he was trying to write the way that they responded to, they didn’t even do _that??_ \--What was he doing WRONG here?

Bill shook his head. He was better than this. He’d figure it out. How to make them do what he wanted. In the meantime...

Bill blinked as he refreshed the blogsite and read that Stanley had apparently left the store, [gotten in the car](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230636752/stan-wheres-ford), then [decided](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230642262/they-didnt-call-the-cops-did-they) to [drag that Stanford]() [back in with him](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230648257/hold-on-a-second) as ‘proof’ that he wasn’t murdering anyone and that they… [didn’t need to ‘call the cops’](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230696667/alright-just-walked-back-in-with-ford-real-quick)?

\---

_Showing off Stanford for two seconds doesn’t prove you didn’t burn the place down or kidnap him, Stanley. Get out of town. NOW._

\---

The fire department looking for them because of the radioactive waste, the radiation itself, the cops probably being called on them all already -- how many reasons did they need, exactly? What had happened to ‘lying low’??

Bill sighed tiredly and rubbed the side of his hand against his right temple. That Stanley was thinking too quickly and not quickly enough at the same time. Not _deeply_ enough. The breadth was fine, more than fine, but the _depth?_

Worse, the _height_ he was trying to pull off seemed to be all over the place, and height was important in dimensions that had more dimensions than two-plus-time. ...At least, it was all over the place as far as Bill could tell. He’d always had to translate that a bit differently -- as hierarchies, generally. Or by thinking of turning the world upside down right in front of him: left-twisting-upwards-to-top-twisting-’clockwise’-to-right-continuing-on-to-bottom spinning about his line-of-forward motion while stopped-in-place.

Bill shook himself. Because _now_ was NOT THE TIME to be thinking of--

He refreshed [the](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230861107/try-laying-on-the-old-stan-charm-tm-to-calm-her) [blogsite](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179230916492/alright-hold-on-i-got-an-idea) [again](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231011092/whats-her-name).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Try laying on the old Stan Charm (tm) to calm her down_

 

_i would expect shes just asking ford a bunch of questions about whatever wild science stuff he had in his house_

 

-

_alright hold on i got an idea_

-

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_whats her name??_

 

_Carol, and Stanley just went and told her that I was going to put on some presentation of all my “science gizmos and weird stuff.”_

\---

“With the place burned down?” Bill said, confused. Because what could they possibly show anyone?

He hit refresh, [and](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231086382/he-wouldnt-say-this-for-nothing-but-its-not-a)...

\---

_He wouldn’t say this for nothing, but… it’s not a comforting idea to put on some ‘presentation’ right now._

\---

...did NOT find it comforting in the least that that Stanford was apparently as confused as he was. Mostly, Bill found it irritating.

[He](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231148592/all-these-years-and-its-finally-back-the-mystery) [hit](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231162917/that-just-sounds-inexplicably-odd) ‘[refresh](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231192402/were-going-to-drive-to-the-closest-point-near-the)’.

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_

_All these years and it's finally back, the mystery in the mystery shack_

-

_That just sounds inexplicably odd…_

-

_We’re going to drive to the closest point near the mountain then walk to the palm reader’s lair._

\---

Bill refreshed the page, then sat up abruptly, [eyes wide at](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231315467/what-about-that-last-ask-is-odd):

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_What about that last ask is odd?_

 

_It’s just an odd feeling, like déjà vu or like it’s.. actually, never mind. Never mind._

\---

“That’s--” Bill pulled in a breath and refreshed the blogsite again quickly, because _that_ had sounded similar to all that idiocy with that Stanford ‘picking up on’ symbols that weren’t on the supposed-Zodiac circle(s?!?) on the cave wall before.

\--And he felt a bit sideswiped by the next thing posted. It took him a moment to get his [bearings](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231383872/stanleys-idea-about-the-presentation-was-as-a).

\---

_Stanley’s idea about the ‘presentation’ was as a way to get all the zodiac members in one place. He says that for the finale, we’ll call for volunteers on a final showing then we can call up everyone in the zodiac so we’ll hold hands._

_It’s… frankly a brilliant idea, and the easiest possible way to gather everyone we’ll need. We just have to figure out who those people are._

_Also, come up with enough items for this presentation._

\---

“The Zodiac,” Bill said slowly. That Stanford was _actually talking about_ trying to gather everyone they needed for the Zodiac. Right then. _SOON_.

That Stanford had said before that he’d had no idea how they’d manage to convince any of them to hold hands even if they did find them, but…

...if Stanley picked ‘volunteers’ out of an audience and convinced them all that they needed to hold hands for a ‘scientific demonstration’...

Bill winced.

“I didn’t come up with that,” Bill muttered, refreshing the blogsite. “That had _NOTHING_ to do with me.”

He wasn’t picking sides. No. No. No. Not on that, not even a little.

He didn’t know anything about that other Bill Cipher.

Not really.

Bill refreshed the [blogsite](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231546757/outside-of-the-members-of-the-zodiac-you-can-ask).

\---

_FORDTATO ASKED:_   
_Outside of the members of the zodiac, you can ask about the culprit behind the house burning, other incoming/future threats from Bill, who his pawns are, as well as any other general predictions. The mailbox is gone, but a fortune teller who we have some (even if non-conclusive) evidence of being accurate could be the next best thing._

 

_Good idea._

\---

Bill refreshed the [blogsite](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231594337/draw-the-zodiac-on-the-ground-and-once-you-figure).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Draw the zodiac on the ground and once you figure out who fits the zodiac, ask for volunteers and then do the hand holding thing_

 

_Exactly._

\---

“Assuming they’re all there,” Bill muttered out loud. All in the same dimension, all attending that ‘science presentation’, all willing to be volunteers -- they could still run into problems.

...They would all be absolute sitting ducks for anyone who was that other Bill Cipher’s puppet during the presentation, right up until that ‘finale’.

Bill had the odd urge to say something for a moment, to write that to them. ...It passed quickly.

He wasn’t getting involved in that.

They wanted to get themselves KILLED in a final fight, if not before that? Fine by him. NOT HIS PROBLEM!

Bill flopped back down again. Let the “smart”phone drop to his chest, and stared up at the rafters of the ceiling.

...What would he do if someone tried to burn down _this_ house?

The thought came to him really out of nowhere, and he frowned, because…

...He’d gotten used to living here. It was a little over three weeks, and… he was used to falling asleep in this room. Eating things out of the kitchen. Going outside to sit down or lay down on one of the picnic benches. The idea of Stanley’s house burning down _HERE_...

It was irritating.

The idea was thoroughly _irritating_ and offensive to him.

The idea that he might have to find someplace else to do these stupid human things was _IRRITATING_ \--

Bill covered his face with his stupid human-ish hands, his eyes, his mouth. All of it, closed and covered.

No. No. HE WAS NOT THINKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

Bill rolled over onto his side and grabbed at [the](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231764612/perhaps-that-odd-feeling-may-be-because-the) [phone](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179231874452/look-in-the-mirror).

\---

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Perhaps that odd feeling may be because the original words are “Thirty years and now he’s back, the mystery in the Mystery Shack.”_

 

_Who is that referring to?_

-

_ANONYMOUS ASKED:_   
_Look in the mirror_

\---

Bill let out a shocked, “HA!” --Somebody with a sense of humor! Because sharing _that_ was--

WELL.

...The next refresh greeted him [with](https://whatwouldteslado.tumblr.com/post/179232092787/its-a-relatively-short-hike-up-to-the-caves-of):

\---

_It’s a relatively short hike up to the caves of the mountain._

\---

“Did you get any more food while you were in town?” Bill wondered. They were assuming that Glasses’ apartment would be fine later, if they hadn’t stocked Stanley’s car with...

It occurred to Bill, all-at-once, that if Stanley could drive his car through the woods, that they didn’t _NEED_ to leave town entirely, _or_ deal with all the problems of camping-out. They could split the difference -- use the car to keep them mobile through the woods, drive into town and drive back out again quickly, set up camp if the car was too cramped, tear down after the night and put it all back in the car again. They might even have enough space for some of Stanford’s scientific gear and errata; he could work out of the trunk of the car, maybe. It would keep it out of the freezing rain and snow; all they’d have to do was close the trunk and move on.

As long as no-one set up any roadblocks, or was able to draw a line on them with that laser gun that Glasses had made and had likely had stolen...

He was trying to decide whether to send that as an ‘addition’ or not, when another notification on his phone went off, and he realized that the time-lines for communication had shifted out of sync again.

“ _NO_ sense of timing,” Bill muttered again about that Stanford, turning the screen off and shoving the phone away in a pocket.

...This really wasn’t working, was it?

Bill had never tried to puppet someone this way before. Tried to get them to DO THINGS, _what he WANTED_ , this way before. It was _FRUSTRATING_ and--

\-- _confusing_. It was confusing. Bill didn’t understand the responses he was getting. The lack of responses. The...

He knew that at least part of the problem was that he didn’t quite know _exactly_ what they wanted. But that shouldn’t have mattered! He’d given them knowledge that he KNEW they’d needed, and they were all but _ignoring_ him, and that knowledge as part of that, and… they were doing it even when they didn’t and _couldn’t_ know who he was!

So if they reason them were not listening to him and doing what he said _wasn’t_ because he was himself and they knew it -- BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T KNOW THAT -- then WHY _weren’t_ they responding to or using the very-useful knowledge that he was outright GIFTING to them?

He’d been writing it the same way as all those _other_ ‘helpful askers’! ...Hadn’t he?

Bill grumbled to himself, then got up and headed for the doorway. It was getting close to dinnertime. He wanted tea. And probably needed to eat more toast.

...If he didn’t want to risk those idiots not listening to him when something absolutely CRITICAL came up, he’d have to figure out a way of writing things in such a way that he could be _sure_ that they WOULD listen to him.

This would take some thought.

Bill opened the door and strode out of the bedroom he shared with Stanley.

He closed the door behind him.

\---


	2. The first submission sent

Title: !!! Do not post !!!

Stanley: This is a war. Or a fight. A really long fight. Lots of fights.

You are the fighter. If you want to keep everyone you care about alive, then that is what you need to do! Your job is to deal with all of the physical threats. You need to keep Stanford and F.M. alive, and you need to carve out enough time and space for them to work within, to be able to be useful, to come up with a final solution to the threat.

You get them a safe space to sleep, make sure they have food and water and actually sleep. Do not let them get away with not sleeping! F.M. builds death machines on the regular for fun and you know what Stanford is like when he gets sleep-deprived, don’t you. Do not trust them if they say that they don’t need to sleep, that they need just a little more time -- none of it, no. Make them eat, and make them sleep!

And you’d better take care of yourself, too, Stanley, because if you don’t do that, then you can’t take care of them, and they will die.

Make them talk to you about what they’re doing. If they stop talking, they’re planning on doing something stupid that will probably kill themselves, and you. And probably a lot of other people, too, if you care about that sort of thing. (But let’s face it, you don’t, but those first two should be enough for you, right?)

Don’t let them do anything that they can’t explain to you. If they say they can’t explain it, you don’t have to wonder about it -- you know it’s a bad idea!

If they talk to you, but they’re lying, you’ll know it. Look for it.

So when they stop talking to you or can’t explain something or lie to you, you knock them out, tie them up, and threaten them with something they won’t like until they wise up and fess up and get it right. Need some examples? Threaten to summon Bill Cipher and make a deal with him! Threaten to call F.M.’s wife up and make his kid cry! That’ll teach ‘em!

You and I both know that “safe” spaces don’t always stay safe. If things get unsafe, make them move and make them leave. If they complain about leaving things behind, or say that they have to take something with them because it’s “irreplaceable”, don’t listen to them.

If it was that important, they would have told you about it earlier than that. And then you could have figured something out, to take it with or dig in and defend it instead, break it if it’s too dangerous to leave behind intact or hide it and track it to steal it back later, instead. “Irreplaceable” for those two idiots just means “I didn’t think of something else in two minutes of thinking, so instead of thinking about it for another three, I’ll just be lazy and say that nothing else will work!” Don’t fall for it. They’ll get you all killed.

I don’t think I need to tell you to remember to keep your lies straight, but don’t count on those two idiots to be able to keep them straight. They won’t. Either of them.

If you need something that will kill people, ask F.M. what it would take to build it and stand back. If you need anything else, needle Stanford about it until he makes it. Division of labor. Get them to do what they’re best at.

If all else fails, leave town. Don’t let either of those two idiots stay behind, don’t decide to ‘split up and regroup later’, and don’t look back. Doing any of those things is just asking for trouble.


	3. The second submission sent

Title: !!! Do not post !!!

Stanford: Listen to Stanley! He will keep you alive.

It is Stanley’s job to get you the time and space and resources you need to be able to work without outside interference or interruption, so that you can do what you need to do in order to keep that dimension you’re in and that planet you’re on intact. It is Stanley’s job to keep you all intact while you work on that.

Don’t argue with Stanley if he tells you to eat or drink something or rest. Just do it. He knows better than you do what you need. That’s why you called him, isn’t it? You need help, and that is how he can help.

If Stanley tells you a place is safe, believe him. If you don’t believe him, tell yourself you’re an idiot, and then ask Stanley why he thinks it’s safe, and then listen to him, and then tell yourself you’re an idiot again! If Stanley tells you a place isn’t safe, stop what you are doing, leave immediately with him and don’t argue. If there is something you think you can’t leave behind, you’re lying. If you think you have to bring it with you, talk about it with Stanley first before you think you might have to leave it.

Stanley is going to have to watch F.M., but you are going to have to watch F.M.’s work. Don’t trust what he does. Even if you trust him to want to help you, his brain is swiss cheese, and his mind isn’t much better! Check his results, check his work, and keep him in check.

Do not let F.M. get his hands on another memory gun.

Let Stanley do the talking, and let Stanley do the lying. You’re horrible at it.

Tell Stanley what you are thinking about doing. If you can’t explain it to him, you’re doing it wrong!

Think you can’t explain things to Stanley for him to help you see what an idiot you are being when you’re being stupid about things? Here are some examples!

Wrong way to “explain”: I am going to design and construct a quantum destabilizer that can neutralize Bill Cipher.  
Right way that explains(!!!): I am going to use lots of math to figure out how to make a really big gun that can kill Bill Cipher. Maybe. It seems like a really good idea to me!  
What Stanley will say, because he is smarter than you: How big is this big gun, how hard is it to aim, how long does it take to fire, who the heck is supposed to be shooting this thing, how close do they have to be to hit him with it, what happens if they miss, and how the heck are you going to get the triangle demon to hold still for this?  
What you should say next: Thank you, Stanley, I didn’t think of that.

Wrong way to “explain”: Stanley, I am right in the middle of--  
Right way that explains(!!!): Stanley, I’m not listening to you right now. Please stop me before I hurt myself.  
What Stanley will say, because he is smarter than you: Poindexter, I ain’t repeating myself, stop doing nerd-things and eat this right now!  
What you should say next: (Nothing! You shouldn’t try and talk while you’re eating the ‘this’! Ha!)

What Stanley says goes. Stanley looks ahead. You do not. You are horrible at planning ahead! You don’t think ahead at all! It’s what makes you such a great puppet! All knee-jerk reactions and strings to tug, with no thought in-between!

(Yes, Stanley looks ahead, and he plans ahead, and he is good at it. Don’t believe me? Take two minutes and think about when Stanley started working on that boat you found, how far he got on it each year, what it took him to get that far, how old he was when he was managing to do all of those things, and how close he was to finishing fixing it all up before he got kicked out of his home. Now try telling me that Stanley doesn’t know how to plan ahead! Go on! Let’s see how much better you’ve gotten at lying! I’m waiting!!!)


	4. The third submission sent

Title: !!! Do not post !!!

F.M.: I don’t like you.


	5. The fourth submission sent

Title: !!! Do not post !!!

The Plan  
=========  
(A guide on how not to be an idiot, by someone who is not an idiot!)

So you built a trans-universal gateway and now you’re worried that you’re gonna collapse your dimension with it, or maybe break the entire planet in half, because you’re an idiot! (Finally wised up, huh, Poindexter?) Well, worry no longer! Follow these quick and easy steps, and you, too, can manage not to end up dead, dead, and more dead because you pissed off a snappy-dressing triangle demon in the process, and now he’s coming for you!!!

But first, here’s what you’re up against!

The Lineup:  
\-- Bill Cipher!!!  
Not much you can do about him except keep that unicorn hair close and look out for his eyes! He has more of them than you think!  
\-- The Society of the Blind Eye  
What, you thought you got all of them? Think that none of them ever wrote anything down about the Society? Think again, idiots! What do you know, and how do you know it? And does even F.M. know everything that went on with his cute little cult? I don’t think so! And neither do you! He sure didn’t know about that little deal Ivan made with Bill Cipher, now, did he?!  
\-- The Townspeople  
You didn’t know about Ivan, and you don’t know about the rest of them.  
\-- The Authorities (the Feds, the Police, the Fire Brigade, You Name It)  
The authorities are not on your side. They never were. Stanley knows it.  
\-- Yourselves  
Congratulations! You are your own worst enemies! Don’t believe me? Let’s review! One of you summoned a demon, made a deal with him, and then decided it was a good idea to not only double-cross him, but also try to not sleep for at least two weeks straight just to avoid talking to him! (What a smart move there!) One of you decided to erase your brain over and over and over again, trying to turn it into mush, and started a cult just so you could point to other idiots and feel good about yourself every time you said that you weren’t the only idiot who was doing it! One of you thinks that living out of their car and starving out on the streets is easier than refusing to let someone kick you out of your home in the first place! (Learn to say no, Stanley. Learn. To. Say. No.)

The Problems:  
\-- No defensible base of operations  
Congratulations, Bill Cipher burned down your home! What are you going to do about it? Cry? Grin and laugh some more? We’ll get back to this one in a moment!  
\-- The portal parts  
Do you have them, or don’t you? Survey says: you don’t know! Because you didn’t go down into the basement to figure that one out! Great job, geniuses! Next question: does Bill Cipher even care about getting the trans-universal gateway together anymore using those parts? How badly have you pissed off your own personal triangle demon? Does Bill Cipher need a safe and stable working gateway to make a portal he can use to get from where he is, to where all of you are physically located, into that dimension of yours? Or does he not care about any of that anymore, only caring about doing as much damage as possible, using...  
\-- The nuclear waste!  
That stuff can cause a lot of damage! Everything about that stuff is a problem, from radiation poisoning if it’s dumped directly into the water supply (or even stored improperly out in the open in leaking fire-damaged drums!), to straight-up dirty bombs, to actually using it to power a reconstructed or newly-built trans-universal gateway! The “fire department” says they have it currently, but who else knows where it is and what it is? And are you sure you know where all of it is? And even if you do, can you stop...  
\-- Bill Cipher’s puppets?  
You don’t know how many of them there are, because you gave up after asking that stupid mailbox in a stupid way! And then you got it to blow itself up on you so you can’t ask again. Great job again, geniuses! But no worries! While you were away from the house and the town for four days straight on your little hike, Bill Cipher probably got himself a bunch more of them that you wouldn’t know about anyway! And that means that there are probably a lot more people that are all-in on...  
\-- Bill Cipher’s deals!  
You remember what that was like, don’t you Stanford? Realizing what you wanted? Being told you could have it? Let’s be honest, Stanford, you had a very hard time taking the gateway machinery downstairs apart, even after you decided that you didn’t want Bill Cipher coming through, didn’t you. Do you remember how you felt a day, a week, a month after you had that deal in place, how it felt as it all started to come together? Now, just imagine that someone had walked up to you right then and told you that you can’t have that! That you needed to give that up, because they say so. Would you have put up with anyone taking that away from you? You wouldn’t, not then. Most people wouldn’t. You got lucky with Ivan. Lucky. Because it isn’t the deals that are dangerous, you idiots. It’s the hope. It’s the greed. It’s people realizing what they want and how they can get it, and what they’ll give up for it! You want to know what people want? They’ll be happy to tell you! You want to break their deals? Then you’d better be ready for a fight.  
\-- Bill Cipher’s plans  
You don’t know what those are. You don’t care enough to ask. And you don’t care why he wants into your dimension, or anything else. All you care about is locking him out of that dimension and making him leave you alone. So let’s move on shall we!  
\-- Bill Cipher himself  
You don’t know anything about him, you never did, and you never thought to ask. And the more I read here, the less I know about him, too! Is he a problem? His anger sure is!

Wow, what a mess! So, what can you do about it? Well, I’m so glad that you asked!

\--Get a new base of operations!  
Stanley can tell you how important this one is, and what not having one is like. These aren’t just good for having a place to put all your stuff in, oh no. As living human beings, you need food, water, a place to store that food and water, and a place where you can grab several hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time! Plus, as an added bonus, it should be defensible enough that you don’t get run out again or trapped inside it and burnt alive instead!

Here are your choices!  
\-- F.M.’s apartment  
A bad idea. This is in the center of town. You don’t know who Bill Cipher’s active puppets are, The Authorities might be after Stanford for the radioactive waste, and because it is in the center of town, you won’t know if the people you see around your place are puppets, Feds, or ‘just around’ because they live nearby. You won’t know which are which until you’re already surrounded and it’s too late. And you don’t have any emergency or backdoor exits you can take to safety!  
\-- Stanford’s house  
How far was it burned down? Halfway and a collapse? Is any of it still usable? No-one will expect you to go back there and stay there, at least! MIght be useful to raid the place for supplies at some point, if you get desperate enough to see if anything survived the fire, the water that put it out, and the cold that froze everything over again!  
\-- The basement of Stanford’s house  
Can you still get in from the house? Is there another way in? Can you dig a new one out quickly? You need to get down there to check on the portal parts anyway. Might be good for “laying low” short-term, if the water from putting out the fire didn’t flood the place! But even if it didn’t, is staying down there a long-term solution?  
\-- The bunker  
Stocked with food and water and supplies, hard to find and even harder to get into, this is ideal for “laying low” as long as Bill Cipher isn’t telling his puppets where to find you and how to get at you! Which makes it less than ideal, because once you’re in, you’re in with only one way out. And you’ve got at least one dangerous creature in there that you might be sharing the place with, that could have been released by a puppet at some point since you were in there last...  
\-- Somewhere outside of town  
You think that Bill Cipher’s direct influence drops off rapidly as you get farther away from the town. But do you really want to test that theory? Motels are expensive, though! And oh, the commute! Especially in the wintry snow and ice! And what if one of Bill Cipher’s puppets cuts the brake line on Stanley’s car? It only takes once!  
\-- The haunted cabin  
The Corduroys sure do have a ghost problem, don’t they? This is where Stanford figured out his categories of ghosts! “Scientifically.” And hey, you need to talk to them about repairing Stanford’s house anyway, don’t you? Ask to stay in it while they’re fixing up Stanford’s place, slap a unicorn hair barrier on it during the daytime hours to force-evict all those pesky ghosts, and you’re set! Far enough from town that you can feel comfortable knowing that anyone who comes that far out to see you is someone you’ll be wanting to shoot on sight, and close enough to easily stock with any goods you’ll need from town, the bunker, or Stanford’s house, the only problem with the place is that it’s not any more defensible than Stanford’s house, either. And the only problem with the Corduroys is, if any of them are Bill’s puppets, they’ll be a LOT harder to fight off than the regular townsfolk. (Not as hard as dealing with Shifty, though!)  
\-- The spaceship  
A hike to get to from town, impossible to find without help, and with a built-in security system of its own, this would be near-ideal as a safe haven if only you could manage to reprogram it yourselves! Has Bill Cipher sent a puppet ahead to reprogram it to his own amusement before you arrive? Hopefully not! But you’ll probably need to check and boobytrap this anyway to keep Bill Cipher or his puppets from raiding this place for any useful tech, since this was your original one-stop supply depot for portal parts! With no food, water, or other supplies here currently, another downside to picking this as the place to be is what it’d take to set up a stockpile at this location. Ladders and gravity -- what a hassle! Right?  
\-- The caves  
You just came from there, you don’t have any food or water there, you’d need to drag in a gas generator and fuel to have any electricity in the place, and you’d have to chop down your own trees to create your own barricades at every single one of those entrances to make them even a little bit defensible -- but hey, at least it’d be one step up from camping out in the woods! Rain and snow can be so annoying when they get into your fine electronics and your chemistry sets! It’s far from the town, so if you’re looking for some “remote” to go with your “laying low,” this could be a workable dead-last resort?  
\-- Stanley’s car  
Too cold to sleep in overnight even with the heater on, this isn’t more than a very short-term option when you’re trying to ‘house’ three people, especially in the wintertime. You’d be better off camping, because at least being out in the open wouldn’t be giving you a false sense of security! Because cars have breakable windows, and cars require gas to move.

Hey, let’s face it, none of these choices are great. Stanley’s going to downvote F.M.’s apartment if it looks like the Feds are after you, and he’ll balk at the money needed for a hotel outside of town. F.M. isn’t going to want to stay in the bunker or the basement of Stanford’s house. None of you will want to stay in the caves or in Stanley’s car long-term. Stanford’s house is probably too much of a mess right now to stay in or you wouldn’t have left for F.M.’s place instead.

That leaves the haunted cabin and the spaceship. So why not do both! Secure the haunted cabin as your new main base of operations first, and plan to set up the spaceship as a fallback location for later.

\-- Get food and water and barrier supplies!  
Next on the list is food and barrier supplies, which may include getting some more of that unicorn hair. Don’t worry -- if you do need more of that, that annoying lying unicorn isn’t the only one left in that glade; there are plenty more where you found that one!

\-- Track down and handle that radioactive waste!  
Next after that is tracking down the radioactive waste and refinding the portal parts. Make yourself a Geiger counter if you have to, and track the material from those barrels down! Though what you do with it, once you know where it all is, might be a puzzle! Do you leave it where it is and hope for the best? Get the authorities to dispose of it for you? Try and steal it out from cover of nightfall directly? Storm the place to recover it? Have Stanley con someone into thinking he is the authorities they should be giving it to and steal it back that way, instead? And, if you’re taking it all back, once you have it back, what are you going to do with it? Do you have any way to dispose of it all safely?

\-- Make sure you’ll know if more radioactive waste is brought into town for that portal, or worse!  
That’s not the end of it, either! Once you’ve finished handling that, you’ll need to set up ‘listening’ posts around the town, that will take background measurements of radiation. That way, you actually have a chance of intercepting any new shipments of the stuff, if Bill tries to ‘import’ in any more radioactive waste in from outside of the town, via puppet or deal or otherwise.

\-- Track down and secure those portal parts!  
If you’ve found the portal parts as part of finding the nuclear waste, then you’ll either need to secure them in a safe location, or break them so that they can’t be used again! If you haven’t found the portal parts yet, check Stanford’s basement lab if you haven’t already. If they aren’t there, you’ll have to choose between pursuing the zodiac and racing to try and find where Bill Cipher is having the portal set up, in order to try and stop him and his puppets. Tick tock!

\-- Make sure you’ll know if those parts are being stolen, or more portal parts are being made!  
If you know where everything you used to have to make that portal is, you’ll want to make sure that the machinery can’t be used and can’t be stolen for however long you’re away. You’ll also want to make sure that no-one is stealing material from the spaceship that could be used to make new parts that you don’t know about, either! Set up some cameras of your own so you can see anything that happens while you’re away. Because hey, if you can’t think for yourself, then you might as well steal your ideas from the best and the worst just like you’ve always done it!

\-- Try and track down “The Zodiac”...(?!)  
Finally, The Zodiac.

You don’t know what it is. You don’t know what it does. You don’t know why it’s important, and you don’t know who the people are, and you definitely don’t know if Bill Cipher has already made them his puppets. (Like Stanford! Ha!)

I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what it does. And because I don’t know what Bill Cipher’s prophecy is, I can’t tell you.

Not the cave drawings. That is your prophecy, not his.

I can’t even tell you where they are. If they aren’t there, then it won’t work.

I can’t even tell you that the Zodiac can defeat Bill! Stanley, Stanford, F.M. -- what do these have in common? Bill Cipher trying to make a deal with you! Broken scroll or tube? Ivan? Had a Deal with Bill Cipher too! For all you know, what you saw in those caves and “felt” inside your head and dreams wasn’t a Zodiac, those drawings you were looking at might just be a record of who Bill has been Dealing with lately!

I don’t know what Bill’s prophecy is. Neither do you.

None of this makes any sense.

Unless he already has you where he wants you.

Stanford, did Bill Cipher already puppet you through the portal? Are you where he want you to be now?

Does he even need you alive anymore? Any of you?

If you asked him, would he lie?

Talking with the Handwitch is probably the safest and easiest route, ha!

Just make sure to remember to ask her for a healing potion for Stanford’s arm, if she has one. She is a witch!!!

Maybe Stanford will be better at describing things if he has two hands to type that much faster. But I doubt it!

But, if you’re going to be running around looking like a bunch of idiots trying to do that, you might want to do this first instead:

\-- Make some defensive weaponry!  
Let F.M. go to town on this one! (Figuratively! You’ll actually want him hitting the junkyard for this one, haha!) For the absolutely-must-be-lethal stuff that will really screw you up, let F.M. do the building! For the less-than-lethal things, like taser guns that you don’t have to get within arm’s reach to use, get Stanford to lend you a hand. (He’s only got the one working one right now!)

\-- Get adventuring!  
Put on those foil-lined baseball hats of yours, string up those unicorn hair necklaces, slip some shockproof-bulletproof material on under your jackets, and you’ll be ready to go! Don’t forget to add some fireproof lining to those tents of yours, too, jus in case a certain puppet or two tries to Molotov cocktail you in the middle of the night! You know there’s at least one left!


End file.
